An Idea

Hi there.

It’s been quite a long time since my last post. A lot of things have happened in my life, but I’d run out of room if I tried to tell you all of them, so I’ll just skip to the most interesting part, and the star of this post. I made a discovery that I think might help me with something I love doing, but I wanted to give you a bit of background first.

You might be able to tell from my previous blog posts, which I have decided to keep after some thought, that I am a pretty creative person. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I’ve been doing creative writing for years. It’s a passion of mine, and something that defines part of who I am. However, there’s something that you might not know. All throughout those years, i’ve struggled with very severe writer's block and brain fog, and not for all the reasons you might think. 

It was never that I didn’t have enough time, or that I was too afraid, or that I was setting impossible goals for myself. I would simply just blank out. Sure, sometimes there were situations, like feeling unmotivated, losing or trying to find inspiration, being in a less than ideal environment, etc. But a lot of the time, I would think of something, begin writing, and then at any time during this process, everything would just blank out. There were times where I would look at what I’d written so far and ask, “Okay... what was I doing with this again?” sometimes I would still have the main idea for a piece, and I would read what was there, and it would just sit in front of me and spin around and around, and sometimes I just couldn’t think, no matter what I tried. Even when I tried to not think about it, and then come back to it later. My mind would keep floating and drifting off. So, it wasn’t that I lost the inspiration or the idea, but that I just couldn’t seem to focus, whether it was light or dark, noisy or quiet, warm or cool. Thankfully, there were also times when I managed to get back on track, even if there was a bit of a struggle. What I wanted to get done got done, even if there were many, many breaks, or if it took days, even if it was just something short.

Unfortunately, the foggy brain part also likes to interfere in my daily life. There have been a few times when this has happened even while talking. I would stop in mid-sentence, because I had completely forgotten what I was saying. This has gone on for quite a long time, and I never knew why, until I recently discovered that part of it is due to a medical condition. I won’t get into all of that here, suffice it to say that at least now I know that I’m not dumb, just not good enough, or losing my creativity.

Now that you know all of that, Time to come back to this discovery that I mentioned. I recently made an awesome connection on Twitter. She reached out to me, and we started talking. I answered her questions, telling her a bit about my love of writing and the troubles I’ve had in the process. She mentioned that she helps to delve into things like this, teaching, giving advice, and helping to come up with creative solutions to many different problems. She shared her Youtube channel with me, and I checked out some of the videos. It was during this that something clicked with some of my own thought processes, and an idea sparked. The idea was this. A story that uses brain fog in the literal sense, and does it to my advantage. I’ve written things similar to this, but not in this context. The premise is that if and when I get stuck on something, I am surrounded by literal fog, and then Something Happens. A thought, an adventure, something of my own making. A place where I am transported by the magic fog. In doing so, I am acknowledging that part of me, instead of just getting frustrated, or thinking I’m just losing brain cells. She explains this in one of her videos, in fact. Since things like fantasy, magic, and poetry are already my strong suits, I am able to simultaneously stretch and relax my imagination with this exercise. I thought it would be a good idea to start blogging these little… Episodes, if you will. i’ll share my first story in this post. since brain fog is what these center around, I have named this first one appropriately.

Brain Fog

I smile as I sit down to write. I just got this great idea. It’s really fun. See, I have this unique... uhh... this... what was I just saying? Oh, no... not again! I sigh in frustration. This happens a lot. Sometimes even for easy things. But... wait... I blink several times. Everything is... actually all gray, and it feels dewy. Is this real fog? But... but how? I blink again. Sure enough, it is. In the room. Hmmm... I glance around again. I notice that the gray is shifting and swirling gently. I sigh, somewhat dreamily, wishing that I could fly somewhere, like into the trees. Somewhere in nature and... I gasp, and my mouth drops open. I’m in a forest. The ground beneath my feet is soft and slightly spongy. I inhale, and smell fresh air, earth, leaves, wood, and something soft and slightly sweet. Some kind of flower? Or maybe several kinds. My wings flutter a little as I take another breath. My... wings? Another flutter. My wings; I have wings! I fly up to a sturdy branch and sit. A laugh of delight escapes my lips. I’ve never been able to climb trees, and now I can just fly up and choose a branch. I look around as I hear the beat of another pair of wings. A bird? I’m not sure. And then more. Yes, it must be birds. I can hear soft chirps, whistles, and hoots, and one or two other sounds I can’t quite place. Then, I hear a voice, which makes me jump a little. Oh my lanta! It’s my love! What’s he doing here? I shoot up from the branch, somehow knowing where to go instinctively. We embrace as I laugh again, then share a kiss. He says he wanted to come see me, even though I’m in another world. I wonder how he found me. My eyes show with interest when he tells me that he knows a little spot I’d like. I take his hand and let him lead me to... Oh! I stare as we touch down. A lake with fresh, clear water that reflects the colors of everything around us. Waves lap gently against the shore, the iridescent ripples sparkling. The thick pile of the grass is warm and soft. I catch a whiff of... roses! A tangle of wild rosebushes, the crimson petals open in full bloom. Oh, how badly I want one, or a few, or an armful... A hand comes up to cover my mouth as he approaches the roses, picks one, and removes the thorns with a wave of his hand. He tucks it behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek for a moment. He asks me if I want to swim. I respond by running into the water. Before I can protest, he comes up and wraps his arms around me from behind, pulling me under and then releasing me. I splutter as my head breaks the surface. He laughs as I splash him back. We just be silly, not caring what the residents of the woods make of us. It is dusk now, though still warm. We slow down, still standing in the lake. I can hear crickets starting to gossip... probably about us. He takes my hand and leads me towards the center of the water. He just winks when I look at him questioningly. He takes my other hand and pulls me closer. Somehow we float without having to tread. We move in slow, lazy twirls, almost as if we were dancing. I smile a little as “Kiss the Girl” pops into my head. He chuckles softly, as if he knows what I’m thinking. We spin just a little faster; it feels almost like dancing on air as we move through the water. Then, we begin rising, until only our feet graze the surface. Now we’re dancing on the water and... oh... oh wow... now we’re going higher. We are gliding on air! It feels... well... like magic. I hear nature’s orchestra, and... something else. Soft... music? Yes. I think, somehow, there is music. It seems to fit in with all the other sounds. Not overpowering them, but weaving together. The effect is spellbinding. We move through the air until we gently land back on the grass. As the dance continues, he gestures, and tiny sparks of light appear, floating all around us. I look up into his eyes... and then am hopelessly lost. Lost in it all, and never wanting it to end. After what seems like forever, yet also only a heartbeat, the dance slows, until he leads me to a place where the grass is a bit thicker. He sits, gently pulling me down with him, where I settle on his lap. Everything is so nice... so perfect. The smells, the sounds, us nestled so comfortably. I begin to feel heavy; my eyes drift closed as the tiny lights ride the breeze into the sky, where they hang like stars. I hear him murmur and whisper, though I don’t catch the words. I feel him softly kissing my face as I sink deeper, my head on his shoulder. I try to open my lips, to speak, but warmth and fuzziness surrounds me as everything slowly fades away. After a moment, I blink. Gray. I had felt a subtile shift when I’d tried to speak, but it was there and gone. And now... the gray fog again. It clears, and I find myself back in the room. I feel... sad. My heart squeezes a little. I sigh, but even still, my heart feels so full, and I smile. I only hope that one day I might return to that place, or another just as wondrous.