Stuff and things and magic, oh, my!

All right… I will apologize in advance for boring you all to tears, for an interior decorator I am not, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. Therefore, I finally decided to write it down. So, without further ado, here it is.

I smile as I sip from my cup. Mello music and the intermittent buzz of cicadas create the perfect backdrop for my contemplative mood. The curtain billows in the late summer breeze, light washing over the room, then receding, like lazy ocean waves. I smile and close my eyes, breathing deeply, as another breeze reaches me. I can smell the freshness of sun-warmed grass and trees, water, flowers, and the occasional snatches of food, smoke, and coffee.

I let my mind roam freely once more as fog fills the space. When it clears, I’m still in my apartment, only every surface is now bare; everything else in a single container, the items fitting magically. With a wave of my hand, I make certain that everything is as clean as possible. Next, I gesture again, and all my items begin moving, going where I want, some of my drawers and containers changing into the perfect sizes, additional storage units appearing as needed. I smile with satisfaction as I move my recent purchases, decorations that I found at a dollar store, into place. I’ll be getting more to hopefully complete the project very soon, but here is where my imagination has been taking over. I turn in a slow circle, eyes closed, as I think, a finger coming to my slightly pursed lips. With another wave, I fill the glass bowls and vases on my coffee and end table to see how it looks. I switch between different things; clear gems, tiny colored balls, perfect round white pebbles, and fake soil. I top them with the gourds I got, which have red and yellow sunflowers, peppers, and berries attached. I put the stems of different colored leaves, some also with clusters of tiny berries, back in the vase, and arrange the small silver votive style artificial candles. I pause again with thought. Little shelves appear in some places on the walls. On a section of one wall that is wood, a mantel appears at about my eye level. I put the rest of the candles, tall white and clear votives with glittery orange jack-o'-lanterns, and a smiling beanie baby ghost, on it. I debate whether to put the rest of the Halloween decorations up, then shrug, deciding that I may as well. I snap my fingers, and the little strings of purple and orange lights, big black spiders with glittery bodies, and black bats move around the room. I chuckle to myself. All that’s missing is spooky music and snacks, and I could throw a party! My imagination takes over again, and I play around a little more. The lights are replaced with slender strands of golden garland, and the ghost is replaced with a plump turkey with colored feathers. The jack-o'-lantern candles are replaced with the gold votives, and the bats and spiders vanish. Then, the turnkey is replaced with a snowman, and a Christmas tree appears in the corner by the mantel. Ice sickles hang at various points. Then, all the decorations revert to their original state. I sit and let the breeze continue to move through the room. After a while, I smile and gather the fog around me. I am now outside somewhere. The area is thick with grass, and there is a stream that flows into a small lake. There are trees and vegetation all around, though the area is still spacious enough. I lean against a tree and sigh wistfully  as I realize that this would be a nice place to have a picnic. After a while, I let everything melt away as I am slowly transported back to my living room.

Mazes

I find myself very contemplative as I write this. I’m not fighting to write, or rather, not having to let my imagination be tapped into by fog, which is a fun way to vanquish your enemy and make it do the very thing you wanted. Actually, that’s a joke. Sort of. I find that letting it take over, have the spotlight, lead me, it’s still easier to write. It’s not going away, leaving me in the lurch, and I’m not apprehensive about trying to write anymore, because even if I can’t think, can’t concentrate on what I originally wanted, I know that it will probably take me somewhere just as interesting. 

I decide to summon it now, because it’s kind of hard to explain how I’m thinking right now. Strange for a writer, I know, but not so much if you just go about it a different way. All right, enough boring you with my ramblings. 

I sit back, and let the fog encompass me, until the scene in my head comes into focus. I’m in a strange chamber. The shape is… indiscernible; there are no windows, and many doors, a small wooden chair the only piece of furniture. My footsteps echo on the floor. Tile? Or marble? The doors all look the same, arched, sturdy, and with an iron handle. Some are tucked into corners, alcoves, and archways, and some are along corridors, long and short. Some are close together, some farther apart, and some seem to stand alone. As I explore, I notice that some of the halls join and meet others, or split and branch. I decide to keep exploring the hall I’m already in. I open the closest door. Behind it is another room, this one small, with brightly painted walls, and another door on the other side. I think for a moment. Should I go to the other door? There are so many others… I finally decide to just go peek. I gasp when I open it; there are gold nuggets, jewels, and raw precious stones everywherE. I chuckle. It’s just like a dragon’s hoard, though I see no where for such a beast to enter. I slowly reach out and pick up a small stone, about the size of a dime. It’s plastic. I should’ve guessed. I drop it, then pick something else up with a shrug. Oh… this is a regular stone, although it’s lovely; like a stone I wrote of in one of my poems. I slip it into my pocket, having a strange compulsion to keep it. I reach to explore more, but an invisible force keeps my hand from touching something that looks gold. Curious. After a moment, I shut the door and exit the bright room. The next door opens upon a blast of wind that nearly knocks me back. It is dim, but it looks as if there is a path I couLd travel if I chose. However, it would be a struggle against the wind, and I’m not sure how long it is, or where it goes. I close the door, and decide that I could explore, but that I’d need to be more prepared. I take a turn in another hall, this one longer, with curves and turns. When I come to the end and open the door, I just stand there. A plain, tiny stone room, with no other exits or windows; a dead end room. Why is this even here? I shut the door firmly, and make my way back through the long, twisting hall. I come to a nook with a single door. I open it; before me is a beautiful wooded path, the trees along either side close together, their branches arching up to make a canopy. I take a cautious step forward, and then another. Nothing seems to be amiss… Just as I’m wondering if I should head down this path, I notice what looks like a cave entrance a little ways away, presumably at the end of the path. I continue walking. The hard packed dirt under my feet is a bit uneven, but not hard to traverse. The temperature is perfect; there is a slight breeze, and dapples of soft sunlight peek through the canopy in some places. After a while of walking, I begin to get thirsty, but there’s no water around. Thankfully, I approach the cave soon after, and cautiously enter. There is a gentle slope, and at the bottom, there is a small pool to one side, and a door on the other. The water looks clean and clear, so I cup my hands and drink before moving through the door. I am now back in another Hall. This one is long, but straight, with a great deal of doors. With a shrug, I open the one I’m closest to. I raise my eyebrows. It looks like… Just… Trash. Odds and ends, crumpled paper, little pieces of wood and plastic and a couple of other unidentifiable materials. My finger catches on something; a length of leather cord With a piece of bent, but sturdy looking, thin silver wire knotted onto it. Maybe something that was once a piece of jewelry? I look at it for a moment with a thoughtful frown, and then slip it into my pocket. I’m not sure why, But I feel like maybe I could use it somehow… Maybe for… Yes, I could probably wrap the wire around the pretty stone in my pocket somehow, and turn it into a necklace. I take the cord back out of my pocket, and straighten the wire. A bit difficult to do with just my fingers, but manageable. I take the stone out of my pocket and wrap the wire around it once, twisting it tightly while trying to keep the stone from moving, and then Pulling the ends of wire over the other two sides to secure it. I twist a couple of times To close the wire, and almost stab myself trying to tuck in the sharp points. Finally, though, it is done. I adjust the cord and slip it around my neck. Something else catches my attention, and I laugh wryly. A small canteen, a bit dusty, but perfectly serviceable. I guess sometimes it’s true what they say… One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I don’t see anything else useful, so I exit. The next door that I come to will not open. I try pushing on it, wiggling and twisting the handle, and even yanking on it, to no avail. The same thing happens with the next one I try, and the next, and three more. Finally, I come to a door that opens. There is another small hallway that sort of curves back-and-forth in a type of snake pattern, but when I come to the end, there is nothing but a wall. Retracing my steps, I try the next door. It opens onto… Darkness. Complete and total darkness. Somehow, not even light from outside seeps in. I cautiously reach out a hand through the doorway, trying to feel around for any obstacles. Nothing. Then, A sudden oppressiveness moves through me; it feels foreboding, and the darkness is strangely slightly vacuous. I pull back my arm… And my bones turn to water. My hand, and most of my forearm is gone. Just… Completely gone, as if I never had that part of my arm in the first place. There is no pain, no gore, no blood. My arm simply… Ends just slightly below my elbow. My blood is icy with terror as I stare. It feels like the darkness is trying to slowly expand out of the room; I slam the door shut. If I Had gone further… I back away from the door and shiver violently. I don’t know how to get the rest of my arm back! I don’t understand how it happened! Desperately, I summon a bit of the fog around my limb and try to re-create it, to make it whole again. Thankfully, after a moment, it works. I flex my fingers to make sure, and then touch my face, the wall, my other hand. I grasp the handle of another door, but I am shaking, and am afraid to open it. After a very, very long moment, I slowly inch the panel back. This one looks to be another nature scene. The grass is lush and green, the trees are tall and old, there is a babbling brook of crystal clear water, and I can hear a concert of nature. However, it looks as if I am hemmed in on all sides by underbrush that is too thick to go through. So, in a sense, this is another dead end, albeit a beautiful one. The next door opens onto a brick wall that reaches above my head, but does not touch the ceiling. There is no way around it, and I have no way to climb over it or break through… So I shut yet another door, and try another. This one is… Interesting. It is another hallway, made different only by the sconces in intervals along the walls, each one with a lit candle that throws pools of light across the otherwise shadowed passage. I hesitate, understandably, before taking a very slow, very cautious step forward. Nothing happens. I continue, walking slowly. This path feels… a bit mysterious for some reason. There is something that I can’t quite place, but thankfully, it doesn’t feel evil, foreboding, or dangerous in any way. Although, I have a strange mixture of feelings… peacefulness, curiosity, and oddly, the slightest bit of unsettlement, although that could just be me. As I follow the gentle curve, I realize that it is gradually sloping upwards as well. After a few more moments, I open the door at the end, and gasp. The scene before me is a landscape that seems to be made of ice and snow. Drifts are piled high on either side, and yet more snowflakes fall in a never ending shower. The wind seems to blow from all directions. For a moment, I think about turning back, but then I notice that the path is fairly short. I can just see another door a little distance away. The cold bites into every part of my body. I turn around, but the door is gone, replaced by a high snow bank. I hurry along the path. Already it feels like I am beginning to freeze, but just a couple more feet ahead and I reach the door. My numb fingers fumble a moment before I finally stumble across the threshold. I… I don’t believe it! I’m back at the very beginning! Where I first started! I’m standing in the vaguely circular juncture of all of the twisting, turning, crossing corridors, and all the other little corners and nooks! I am still extremely cold, shivering and moving around to try and get warm again. Then, I feel something… somewhere... a subtle shift. I watch as the little wooden chair in front of me transforms into a small couch with thick, soft looking cushions and high arms. Some of the halls disappear, to be replaced buy a fireplace. I slowly walk over to the couch and sink down, just staring at the dancing flames as they begin stretching their fingers of warmth out to me. So, I’m here again, only now it’s slightly different. I did all that looking around, all that exploring, all that walking and… I glance down at my hand again and shiver. I’m not sure where exactly I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to do. I curl up on the cushions and close my eyes. Although it is warm and peaceful here, I find that my eyes are stinging with tears. I sigh softly and just rest, since that seems all I can do right now. I feel a bit hungry. Then, with only a thought, I realize I have conjured up food and drink. I begin to feel sleepy now, and in my half drifting state, I think I hear whispers and other soft sounds coming from other hallways and behind doors and around corners. I push it all away, because I’m pretty sure it’s only my imagination. After a moment, there is just the soft hiss and pop of the fire. I curl into a more comfortable position, and wish that I had someone here with me. Then, I feel a presence; someone beside me, their arms around me. But I am almost enveloped by sleep now, and I can’t tell. Is that real, or am I just imagining it, too? I wish, and hope, that it is real, that there is someone here, as I fall into slumber.

Music Spell

My fingers slow down again as I type... I’m having a lot of trouble concentrating. My idea keeps weaving in and out of focus, and my mind is straying into random places, but nothing truly or solidly coherent. I get a few more sentences down before I stop again. I lose the slippery thread of focus, and close my eyes as I listen to the music that is playing. And then… The fog comes. After a moment or two, it disperses into a light mist that shimmers ever so slightly as it slowly drifts. I notice that I can still hear the music. The colors around me seem to meld together and blur a bit, as if everything is made of bleeding watercolors. There are muted points of light, mainly in shades of purple, silver, blue, and yellow, that shift and dance, as if hypnotized by the music. I can feel a sort of soft thrum in my veins. The mist brushes against me now and again, as if unformed ideas are tentatively asking permission to enter my being, though my mind remains nearly empty. Everything seems to flow in, out, and around me smoothly. As the music fades away, so, too, does the realm around me. I open my somewhat heavy eyes. I decide to stand up and stretch a bit; it feels almost as if I have been sleeping. There are many reasons why I enjoy music; this is one of them. Something like that does not happen to me with just any kind of music, and certainly not all the time… but I like it very much when it does. 

Thee That Hath no Name

Hello.

This is the second installment of the brain fog adventures. This one was stubborn, and refused a handle, so nameless it shall be. :P 

I lift my head from my shoulder yet again, and set my keyboard aside. Air hisses through my teeth as I pull myself up straighter. Lovely… Now I’m hot, sweaty, and painfully stiff. I’m not going to be able to write anymore today anyway. How is my brain supposed to work properly in this heat? My limbs are weighed down with lethargy, and my head feels like a stuffed animal. It’s all just blurry and foggy and… Foggy? Oh, so this is happening again, is it? Well, it’s literally how I feel, so why not? All I really want is to cool off and have my head cleared. I squawk with surprise as I feel my body hit water. Holy iceballs! Actually, it isn’t really that cold, though it feels like it at first. I find that my feet can touch bottom, and the water is about shoulder height when I stand straight. I let my eyes fall closed with a sigh as my head slips under briefly and then emerges. Without thinking, I begin lazily swimming around. It feels really, really good in here now. Not too cold, and thankfully, not too warm. For the first time, I notice that my feet are touching mostly smooth stone instead of sand. Interesting. I look around. I am glad that my head is not under water, because the scene before me is breathtaking. I am in what appears to be a spring, the water gently flowing around me. There are some uneven spots in the stone; even a few places to sit around the edge where it is a bit shallower. A foot or two from the pool, the stone gives way to grass, trees dotting the terrain, and I can see mountains rolling away in the distance. I’m not sure if the stone and grass is geographically or geologically correct, especially since I haven’t been very many places, but it doesn’t matter all that much. I could change this place into a cave if I wanted to. I don’t; it appeals to me very much. The temperature is still very hot, but the water is refreshing, the sky is cloudy, and there’s a soft breeze. All things that I enjoy. I am content to just swim, float, let the water wash over my skin. I suddenly blink, and then blush. Well… I’ve never… But I am alone out here, after all. I share an impish grin of satisfaction with myself, and whatever little creatures may be around me. I keep moving languidly around in the water. It feels so very wonderful… I could stay here all day. I decide to do just that. When night begins to fall, I use the uneven stone to climb out, and lie in the grass. This time the breeze moves over my skin, slowly helping me dry off. I close my eyes and smile. I can hear the quiet hiss of wind moving through the trees, crickets, a few birds, and a rumble in the distance. Thunder. I tilt my face towards the sky, letting another breeze kiss my skin. Then... I open my eyes… Everything has faded, and I am back in my apartment. I sigh longingly, and head for the temporary relief of a long, cool shower.

An Idea

Hi there.

It’s been quite a long time since my last post. A lot of things have happened in my life, but I’d run out of room if I tried to tell you all of them, so I’ll just skip to the most interesting part, and the star of this post. I made a discovery that I think might help me with something I love doing, but I wanted to give you a bit of background first.

You might be able to tell from my previous blog posts, which I have decided to keep after some thought, that I am a pretty creative person. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I’ve been doing creative writing for years. It’s a passion of mine, and something that defines part of who I am. However, there’s something that you might not know. All throughout those years, i’ve struggled with very severe writer's block and brain fog, and not for all the reasons you might think. 

It was never that I didn’t have enough time, or that I was too afraid, or that I was setting impossible goals for myself. I would simply just blank out. Sure, sometimes there were situations, like feeling unmotivated, losing or trying to find inspiration, being in a less than ideal environment, etc. But a lot of the time, I would think of something, begin writing, and then at any time during this process, everything would just blank out. There were times where I would look at what I’d written so far and ask, “Okay... what was I doing with this again?” sometimes I would still have the main idea for a piece, and I would read what was there, and it would just sit in front of me and spin around and around, and sometimes I just couldn’t think, no matter what I tried. Even when I tried to not think about it, and then come back to it later. My mind would keep floating and drifting off. So, it wasn’t that I lost the inspiration or the idea, but that I just couldn’t seem to focus, whether it was light or dark, noisy or quiet, warm or cool. Thankfully, there were also times when I managed to get back on track, even if there was a bit of a struggle. What I wanted to get done got done, even if there were many, many breaks, or if it took days, even if it was just something short.

Unfortunately, the foggy brain part also likes to interfere in my daily life. There have been a few times when this has happened even while talking. I would stop in mid-sentence, because I had completely forgotten what I was saying. This has gone on for quite a long time, and I never knew why, until I recently discovered that part of it is due to a medical condition. I won’t get into all of that here, suffice it to say that at least now I know that I’m not dumb, just not good enough, or losing my creativity.

Now that you know all of that, Time to come back to this discovery that I mentioned. I recently made an awesome connection on Twitter. She reached out to me, and we started talking. I answered her questions, telling her a bit about my love of writing and the troubles I’ve had in the process. She mentioned that she helps to delve into things like this, teaching, giving advice, and helping to come up with creative solutions to many different problems. She shared her Youtube channel with me, and I checked out some of the videos. It was during this that something clicked with some of my own thought processes, and an idea sparked. The idea was this. A story that uses brain fog in the literal sense, and does it to my advantage. I’ve written things similar to this, but not in this context. The premise is that if and when I get stuck on something, I am surrounded by literal fog, and then Something Happens. A thought, an adventure, something of my own making. A place where I am transported by the magic fog. In doing so, I am acknowledging that part of me, instead of just getting frustrated, or thinking I’m just losing brain cells. She explains this in one of her videos, in fact. Since things like fantasy, magic, and poetry are already my strong suits, I am able to simultaneously stretch and relax my imagination with this exercise. I thought it would be a good idea to start blogging these little… Episodes, if you will. i’ll share my first story in this post. since brain fog is what these center around, I have named this first one appropriately.

Brain Fog

I smile as I sit down to write. I just got this great idea. It’s really fun. See, I have this unique... uhh... this... what was I just saying? Oh, no... not again! I sigh in frustration. This happens a lot. Sometimes even for easy things. But... wait... I blink several times. Everything is... actually all gray, and it feels dewy. Is this real fog? But... but how? I blink again. Sure enough, it is. In the room. Hmmm... I glance around again. I notice that the gray is shifting and swirling gently. I sigh, somewhat dreamily, wishing that I could fly somewhere, like into the trees. Somewhere in nature and... I gasp, and my mouth drops open. I’m in a forest. The ground beneath my feet is soft and slightly spongy. I inhale, and smell fresh air, earth, leaves, wood, and something soft and slightly sweet. Some kind of flower? Or maybe several kinds. My wings flutter a little as I take another breath. My... wings? Another flutter. My wings; I have wings! I fly up to a sturdy branch and sit. A laugh of delight escapes my lips. I’ve never been able to climb trees, and now I can just fly up and choose a branch. I look around as I hear the beat of another pair of wings. A bird? I’m not sure. And then more. Yes, it must be birds. I can hear soft chirps, whistles, and hoots, and one or two other sounds I can’t quite place. Then, I hear a voice, which makes me jump a little. Oh my lanta! It’s my love! What’s he doing here? I shoot up from the branch, somehow knowing where to go instinctively. We embrace as I laugh again, then share a kiss. He says he wanted to come see me, even though I’m in another world. I wonder how he found me. My eyes show with interest when he tells me that he knows a little spot I’d like. I take his hand and let him lead me to... Oh! I stare as we touch down. A lake with fresh, clear water that reflects the colors of everything around us. Waves lap gently against the shore, the iridescent ripples sparkling. The thick pile of the grass is warm and soft. I catch a whiff of... roses! A tangle of wild rosebushes, the crimson petals open in full bloom. Oh, how badly I want one, or a few, or an armful... A hand comes up to cover my mouth as he approaches the roses, picks one, and removes the thorns with a wave of his hand. He tucks it behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek for a moment. He asks me if I want to swim. I respond by running into the water. Before I can protest, he comes up and wraps his arms around me from behind, pulling me under and then releasing me. I splutter as my head breaks the surface. He laughs as I splash him back. We just be silly, not caring what the residents of the woods make of us. It is dusk now, though still warm. We slow down, still standing in the lake. I can hear crickets starting to gossip... probably about us. He takes my hand and leads me towards the center of the water. He just winks when I look at him questioningly. He takes my other hand and pulls me closer. Somehow we float without having to tread. We move in slow, lazy twirls, almost as if we were dancing. I smile a little as “Kiss the Girl” pops into my head. He chuckles softly, as if he knows what I’m thinking. We spin just a little faster; it feels almost like dancing on air as we move through the water. Then, we begin rising, until only our feet graze the surface. Now we’re dancing on the water and... oh... oh wow... now we’re going higher. We are gliding on air! It feels... well... like magic. I hear nature’s orchestra, and... something else. Soft... music? Yes. I think, somehow, there is music. It seems to fit in with all the other sounds. Not overpowering them, but weaving together. The effect is spellbinding. We move through the air until we gently land back on the grass. As the dance continues, he gestures, and tiny sparks of light appear, floating all around us. I look up into his eyes... and then am hopelessly lost. Lost in it all, and never wanting it to end. After what seems like forever, yet also only a heartbeat, the dance slows, until he leads me to a place where the grass is a bit thicker. He sits, gently pulling me down with him, where I settle on his lap. Everything is so nice... so perfect. The smells, the sounds, us nestled so comfortably. I begin to feel heavy; my eyes drift closed as the tiny lights ride the breeze into the sky, where they hang like stars. I hear him murmur and whisper, though I don’t catch the words. I feel him softly kissing my face as I sink deeper, my head on his shoulder. I try to open my lips, to speak, but warmth and fuzziness surrounds me as everything slowly fades away. After a moment, I blink. Gray. I had felt a subtile shift when I’d tried to speak, but it was there and gone. And now... the gray fog again. It clears, and I find myself back in the room. I feel... sad. My heart squeezes a little. I sigh, but even still, my heart feels so full, and I smile. I only hope that one day I might return to that place, or another just as wondrous.