My Semi-real Home in the Clouds

I sit on the uncomfortable futon in what is, technically, my living room. Sometimes I don't even want to walk around the house because there's so very much stuff everywhere with no organization and everything is filthy. I close out my game window with a sigh. I can't even focus on that very well. I open a document, but still nothing comes to me. I have nowhere to go and nothing that I can do, and I feel like smashing a window, like you can do in a break room, or whatever it's called. Not sure how, but apparently you can smash things without getting hurt. I've never been violent and I don't want to cause real damage, but sometimes... I break off my train of thought as I lean my head against the back of the couch and close my eyes. I let my empty, and yet somehow swirling, mind take over. The fog comes again, though this time I don't really imagine it visibly. Then... I'm in that place. I can feel the thick carpet of the room under my feet, which are bare for some reason. I open my eyes and slowly lift my head. I'm sitting on something different now, though it doesn't come into focus. I also feel a bit different. Listening to my surroundings, I notice that it's quieter now. I look around; everything but what I'm sitting on is bare. I concentrate for a moment, and my end tables appear on each side of the piece of ferniture I'm seated on. The tables are scrubbed clean and free of clutter and debris. My coffee warmer and a box of tissues appear on one, and one of my vases of fabric flowers on the other. I look towards the wall in front of me, and a chair and small computer desk come into focus. My laptop, a printer and one of my echo dots appear on it. I open one of the drawers to find my stacks of assorted braille paper. The other drawer contains tape, my braille labeler, scissors, a small stapler, a pencil, a pen that can be used as a tablet stilus as well, a small container of assorted paper clips, and a hole punch. The third one has my iPad cases, my laptop bag, and maybe even one or two phone cases. It also has a pair of over ear headphones and my airpods in their little case. The last drawer has stacks of ink cartridges, computer paper, and some empty folders and binders. I think for a moment; something's missing... Then I have it. Two cute little trays also appear on the desk, one holding headphone cords/chargers and my dongles, the other, one of those stress balls that's fun to squeeze and play around with, a pack of gum, glass/lens wipes and hand wipes. A paper shredder is tucked against one side of the desk on the floor, my brailler, which is clean and no longer broken, on the other side. I look over at the charming partitian between the living room and kitchen, and some of my tiny stuffed animals appear in some of the open cubbies. Fairy lights suddenly wind around the tiny decorative railing, and 3 little glass bowls with optional lids sit on the space in front on the living room side. They are full of mixed nuts, gummy bears, and individually wrapped pieces of jerkey, respectively, and a nutcracker sits beside them. One or two of my favorite kitchen appliances rest on the counter by the sink. I smile as I wander down the very short hall. I open the coat closet to find my jackets and hoodies, along with my winter coat. There is also a little holder attached to a wall with hats, gloves, and scarves. There are a couple big plastic storage tubs on the floor, and some smaller boxes and bags on the shelf above the hanger bar. There's also a small shoe rack with a few pairs of specific season appropriate footwear. Closing the door, I move on to the bedroom. I smile as I step inside. It's spacious enough to move around without bumping into everything, but not large. My bed sits at one end, my nightstand at attention beside the head. In the closet is another shoe rack, this one holding a few pairs of slippers and a couple pairs of general purpose shoes. There's a little chest by the foot of the bed that contains blankets, and there's a nice dresser against one wall. Pretty curtains hang at the window, and an overstuffed beanbag acts as a seat in front of the window. I take a seat there now, smiling at the comfort as I sink into the comfy blob of fabric. I notice my other echo dot and ask it to play music. I sit and soak in the feelings. My dreamy state deepens as a scent from a wax warmer fills the air. I open my eyes... and my smile slowly fades away. I'm back on the futon, in the cluttered house. I try to make myself go back to the beanbag; I still hadn't gone outside to the little patio area. Alas, though I could picture it in my head, I can't take myself there again. I sigh and shrug. Perhaps, maybe even someday in the near future, I'll get that apartment I saw and I'll be able to make it my own--truely my own--for the first time in my life. Hopefully. But, then again, if I'm meant to stay here, I just need to come up with more ways of improving things here. I feel like I'm running out of options, but at least I can say I've already got a roof over my head. And although not everything there came into focus, I can keep dreaming, reaching, and imagining.